Here's a little bit about my decision making process... I wrote this very early Thursday morning, before the second trip to Kashin...

Why am I evaluating every detail? Because I need to make my decision today. I already told my CHI social worker that I am 99% sure that I will accept this referral. Of course, everyone at the baby home, including Alexi and Luba, are very complimentary... they compliment how pretty Grace is. They tell me that I did a good job comforting Grace when she was about to cry. I'm just not sure how true their intentions are. I'm afraid that they are pushing me into this. I think others may be doing the same. They all have good intentions, but I need to sort through all of it.

My problem is that I previously had my heart set on the fairy-tale ending. Not anymore. My head is clearly in the “hope for the best, plan for the worst” stage. I agonized over this during Christmas, when I was deciding whether or not to travel. I made that decision based on the hope/plan of believing that I could handle the worst. I am a smart cookie. I can do this. I want to be a mom more than anything. I've said that many times. I can handle delays, behavior problems, attention deficit, and possible retardation. I've talked to physicians and social workers about possible outcomes. I understand the issues. I have the resources to cope. I can do it!

I know this is a huge step and I'm not taking this decision lightly. I know that I am affecting Grace's future as well as my own. I want to be Grace's mother...

Grace Aleksandra